A Defining Moment

I hear the car pull up into the driveway; what do I do? Falling to my knees as I slide off the edge of the couch my body scurries to the kitchen. Quickly turning on the water to the sink, I begin washing the last few dishes of the day. Not that I want to wash dirty dishes, I don’t want him to see me in the same seat, in the exact same position that I was in the day before as he arrived home from work. If that should happen would he think of me as a fixture in the house rather then an inhabitant.

My heart sinks deep, down into my chest as I feel the truth, the reality of my life. Instead I daydream; the feeling of his hands on my waist and the touch of his lips kiss me, brushing the side of my cheek. Hoping the mood will be positive and work in my favor. Like I said daydream. That’s all that it is, just a daydream. I feel the hot tap water burning my skin; my heart skips a beat, as the dreams of my heart never come.

Just a, “Hello!” if I’m lucky, maybe I’ll hear a, "What’s up!” But never happening the way I picture it, never how my heart want’s it to be. Instead I get the frigid cold shoulder shrugging off to the side just out of my reach. Closing my eyes slowly, I can feel my heart breaking a bit more every time he passes me by without so much as a gesture. How I long to feel his touch and hear those loving words that were once said many years ago.

What can I do? Thinking back on the fun and happy times that were only memories now, realizing that it is me who has changed. How could I blame him for not being whom I fell in love with when I have completely fallen out of love with myself? All along it was me who was different. No longer being adventurous or exciting. Only predictable and boring were the words to describe the person I have become; and weather or not his opinion was the same it didn’t matter. I was convinced that was the way he was thinking.

Probably being to hard on myself? How would I ever know? I couldn’t speak to him the way I used to in the past. Now not being even friends, I didn’t know how to speak or what to say it. I am at the mercy of my own heart.

©janetroof.com 2007