Self Help

The thought of giving thanks at such a difficult time, nearly impossible for anyone, but it doesn't have to be that way. Believing in ones self is the first step to regaining control and going on with your life. Divorce is ugly; it breaks down the mind and body, seemingly casting a shadow on the future. Step into the sun and shake that shadow loose.

Stressing out about whether or not to take the kids to your ex in-laws, why, you know these people better than you know yourself. Go, be eloquent and let the kids have fun, sit back while everyone else does the work and enjoy being a guest for a change. You owe it to yourself and your children, be proud of who you are and strong through the upcoming holiday season.

Children are very confused when it comes to adult themed situations, and divorce only adds to the confusion. Don't give the children more to worry about than they already have. If you are not going to accompany the kids to your in-laws festivities, assure them it is okay to spend the holiday apart from one another. Remind them to have fun, be sure to keep in touch with them through out the day and be excited for them when they tell you what a great time they are having. Positive reinforcement is essential to their growth. Don't let them know that you would rather be with them instead; this will make them feel as though they shouldn't be away from you. Help them to feel comfortable about not being all together on this day. Try to let them see that you are not being a bad person because you divorced their other parent.

Try to predetermine who gets the kids for what holiday and stick to it. If you split the day up between two parents this will surely stress out everyone and the children need stability now more than ever. If you have more than one child try to keep them all together for the holidays, avoid separating them if you can. Keeping the kids together will reinforce the family unit, even though you aren't with them on that day.

If you are dropping the kids off at the in-laws, make sure you have your own day all planned out. Spend time with family and friends, or attend a social function to meet new friends, don't spend the day alone. Spending the day alone can only put you in a place that will make you more depressed, and you don't need that.

Take this time to reflect on all the positive aspects of your life, beginning with the children. They are your life, and you must make every decision as if you were making it for them, which is to say if your child was making this decision, what would be best for them.

I find that after a divorce it is very difficult to determine who we are now that we are single. It doesn't matter if you were with your spouse for one year or for sixty years, redefining your individuality is confusing at best. Try not to live in the past, you aren't the person you were back then, and you never will be again. With time comes change, blossom in to the person you always wanted to be. Don't let anyone or anything stand in your way. Be strong and confidant of your ambitions. Anything worth having will never come easy. Use your head, put your heart into your children and you will be surprised just how easy it will be to release the past and proceed into the future. Never give up your dreams and aspirations, the only one you can really count on is you.

It is difficult to break the chains of spousal abuse once you are living with it. If you are not a person who has experienced domestic abuse you probably think it should be easy to get out, but it isn't.

To truly understand why victims of domestic abuse stay in these terrible situations you have to compare the situation to a bad habit. Most bad habits are very difficult to break, and when a person has been broke down beyond repair the situation becomes helpless.

Spousal abuse is the bad habit of letting a spouse control, who you talk to, who you are friends with, where you go, how you dress. Domestic violence can make you loose your job, loose touch with family and friends, forget your moral values and in the worst case of all, jeopardizes the safety of your life and the lives of children.

With persistence and self-respect over time the human mind can accomplish anything. Getting back what was taken from you is one of the most difficult tasks when you hadn't even realized your personality was missing.

Domestic violence breaks down everything you ever stood for, making who you once were a distant memory. You don't have to live this way, break the cycle. Get out before it's too late.

Ending the violence is done in only one way, escape. Freeing oneself from domestic abuse is easy, getting up the nerve to actually do it is easier said than done.

The following is just one of my stories but it is the most important one because it's the story of how I realized my entire life was spinning out of control and how I decided to remove myself and my children from an extremely life threatening situation.

Hand painting ceramics has always been an extreme passion of mine. I attended my first class at age 5 and for the duration of my life, painting would be an important part of it.

In 1993 and again in 1994 I celebrated the birth of my children and life was picture perfect. I had the ideal family, a husband, a daughter and a son. Little did I know that all my dreams for a happy life were about to be destroyed.

When I was about to have my second baby, my husband would make unkind remarks about my weight during the last few months of my pregnancy, and usually making me cry.

After the baby was born my husband handed me a pager and instructed me to call him right away if he beeped. I took my babies everywhere I went and one day when I was out shopping the pager went off. I was at the check out counter and had planned to go directly home after, so I ignored the beeping completely.

As I arrived home about 10 or 15 minutes later I noticed a mess in the driveway that I couldn't quite recognize. When I exited my car I was looking down trying to figure out what on earth was in the driveway.

I proceeded down the driveway looking at the items strewn about and that was when I realized what it was I was seeing. I picked up the first item, my hands began to shake and the tears pooled up into puddles of heartbreak.

I quickly slipped the broken piece into my pocket and noticed him looking at me through the kitchen window with a big fat smile on his face. Then I looked over at my babies in the car.

I sucked up the tears and brought the children and the groceries in the house. As I settled in the children and arranged the groceries he just sat in his chair drinking a beer and smiling.

My heart was pounding and I knew that if I had said anything about what was in my pocket his reaction would terrify the children so I achingly kept quiet.

I put the kids down for a nap and was proceeding to clean up the kitchen when he came in and demanded to know why I didn't call him when he beeped me. I was shaking; my brain was humming so loud I could barely hear his voice talking.

The image of the contents of my pocket was embedded in my mind. I hadn't gone outside to see just how bad it was but in my heart I knew it was even worse than I could imagine.

I just stood there staring at him in shock I wanted to break down and cry. Then he grabbed me and told me that if I ever ignored his page again he was going to do the same to the two things I loved the most and then left the house.

I put the kids down for a nap grabbed a garbage bag and summoned up enough courage to go outside. It took a few minutes to even open up the door, I just looked out the window.

I was putting them back together in my mind as my eyes panned frantically around the driveway. I checked to see if the kids were asleep and opened the door.

Every action slow motion as my feet fumbled below me. Tears at this point uncontrollable and the shaking, that awful shaking I'll never forget it.

The first piece I picked up jiggled in my pocked as I bent in agonizing heartache picking up the broken pieces of my life. Every brush stroke an extension of my soul smashed to pieces on the cruel cold blacktop. Remnants so small they resembled chalk dust.

I picked up a piece of chimney and a section of window, items that were once priceless one of kind masterpieces were completely destroyed. My entire Christmas Village was gone.

I had spent hours upon hours over 20 years to complete this collection filled with love and happiness. He demolished them in an instant, all because I didn't answer his stupid pager.

I stood over the broken pieces of my life thinking about the past few months of mental and physical domestic violence which led me to this point.

I swept up the last shards of the once beautiful works of art and peered into the garbage bag as my tears splashed down on the broken bits of Christmas. Wondering how I ever let it get this bad and thought about what he had said.

The only thing in the world I love more than my art is my children and he wasn't ever going to threaten me with them again. I knew at that moment the only choice I had was to escape. I needed to pack up my children and get out before the domestic violence that I had been suffering through turned to my children.

I wasn't about to wait another minute, I went into the house and began to pack. I was almost done packing the car when he busted in the door and asked me where I thought I was going.

I told him that I was going to stay with my mother for a few days and that was it, I received a beating that almost killed me. The children, thank God, slept through the entire ordeal and before it was over the police were at my door demanding to be let in.

My husband held me down with his hand over my mouth and told me if I made a sound he was going to kill me. All I could think about where my babies innocently sleeping in the other room.

Without thinking, I bit his hand and screamed as loud as I could. He proceeded to beat me in the face and chest and just when I thought I was going to die the police kicked in the side door and pulled him off of me. That was the last time my children and I ever saw their father.

Domestic violence made me blind to the love I had for myself. My passion for my art was the only thing that made me realize that the situation I was in wasn't going to get any better and if he could do this to my beautiful things knowing how much they meant to me what was preventing him from hurting my children.

I wasn't going to stick around to find out just how far he would go. Unwilling to gamble with the lives of my children I signed a domestic violence restraining order and had him imprisoned for 5 years.

After that, it took me years before I was able to paint again, but as you can see by the photographs attached to this article I am back and better than ever.

I'm sharing this story so everyone out there who thinks domestic violence is something that will just go away, it won't. Domestic violence is an illness that there is no cure, if you are in a situation of domestic abuse you need to get out before someone gets killed.

If children are in the mix it will teach them the same traits and their lives will most likely have the same outcome. Do it for yourself but if you have children do it for them. I didn't want my son growing up thinking that to show love you have to hit and I didn't want my daughter learning that getting hit is love.

Control is a major factor in domestic violence, don't let you become controlled be an independent and if a spouse won't let that be an option, get out before it's too late. There are many resources for victims of domestic violence, don't be afraid to get help. You didn't get to this point alone and you will not get out alone, ask for help.

Anything worth having doesn't come easy, rolling over and playing dead is not the way to respond when dealing with an abusive spouse because dead is where you will eventually end up.

When I escaped I was attending group therapy with other battered spouses and I had already got out, but most of the people in the group would come to the session with broken arms and bruises all over their faces and arms. They would cry and say I love them, they didn't mean it. I had to stop going to group because these people were making me crazy.

I was passed that point and trying to get on with my new life and these people would just leave the group at the end of the session, after crying and telling their sad tales and then go back to the person who was beating the living hell out of them. Most had children too.

I would leave the group upset to the point where I couldn't even drive home right away because I wouldn't be able to stop crying. I know what it is like to be afraid to leave. I was afraid too, but if you are being abused and a victim of domestic violence get help and get out.

I was afraid to be alone and have to support two babies in diapers with no job and no money, but I did it. I was worried about where my next meal was going to come from and there were many nights I ate peanut butter and jelly just to survive, but I did.

Sure I was worried about my children growing up without a father and because I didn't have a father growing up I stayed in a violent relationship thinking it will get better, but it only got worse, it always gets worse.

Children and adults all over the world suffer the repercussions of domestic violence. If you are a victim of domestic violence or know someone who is contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, http://www.ndvh.org/. They are located at PP Box 761810, Austin, Texas 78716 or call 1 (800) 799-SAFE (7233) / 1 (800) 787-3224 (TTY) for more information.

Remember, you are the only one who can do anything about your situation, if domestic violence has you in its grasp, turn your back on it and get out. Don't go back because they say they are sorry, how many times they have said that before. You deserve a better life and so do the children. Spousal abuse is no joke; get out while you still can.

By donating a cell phone to survival victims of domestic violence, you will assist them in obtaining help when they need it. The cell phones are refurbished and filled with minutes for any domestic emergency that may arise.

Most domestic violence survivors are frightened and are desperately attempting to put the pieces of their lives back together. I myself am a victim of domestic violence and having one of these phones saved my life.

I had two babies in diapers, no income at all and fear loads and loads of fear. Once I had obtained my restraining order I was safe for 72 hours, just enough time for my abuser to make bail.

Only 3 hours after the bond was paid the restraining order was broken. My telephone lines were cut from the outside of the house and my assailant was tormenting me as he attempted to gain entry to my home to do more harm to my body.

I was so grateful for the cell phone donation for domestic violence survivors. By having one I was able to call the police and have the intruder removed from my property.

Once again bail was set, only this time I was being stalked out in public away from my home. I found myself running through the mall parking lot desperately trying to make it to my car before he could put his hands on me again.

As I reached my car I was able to lock myself in and use my donated cell phone to call the police to come and save me once again.

If it hadn't been for the donated cell phone, I may not have been so lucky. Domestic violence is a problem all over the world and I'm thankful there are people who put in their time to help victims like me.

Please donate your old cell phones today, you will save a life.

The Wireless Foundation runs the national call to protect program. This program collects donated cell phones for survivors of domestic violence. All donations are tax deductable, for information via email, foundation@ctia.org. To donate your cell phone via USPS click for your prepaid mailing label.

Article Resources:

The Wireless Foundation

Domestic violence is a conditioning which hollows you out. As this happens you begin to lose moral values and self-respect leaving you an unrecognizable image of your former self.

Victims of domestic violence never see it coming; it creeps into the deepest most secret places of the psyche like a parasite and feeds until there is nothing left but self loathing and hopelessness.

If you are thinking that money is the only reason you are not leaving you're wrong, fear is the only reason you are not leaving, well fear and selfishness. I know you are probably saying, "Janet, selfishness, what the heck, I'm the one being abused." I'll justify with my personal experience.

When I was living with domestic violence I hadn't noticed what was happening to me until it was too late. Asking for help while struggling with the embarrassment of being a victim seemed more difficult than hiding the bruises.

Bruises could be hidden but noise was more difficult, loud music would muffle the destruction of furniture but not all the time. When the police began to get involved I lied to them, making up excuses for the evident bruising so often I began to believe them myself.

Now I'm sure your saying, "Janet, if the police where there why didn't they just take him away?" If the police don't have fresh evidence of assault they can't do anything unless the person they are trying to help presses charges. I never pressed charges - I made excuses, which brings us back to selfishness.

Okay, so they take him away and he makes bail, how do I know I'm safe, who pays the bills, what about my children, where will I live, how will I eat, me, me, me, me, me, in truth it is selfish stinky fear that kept me living that horrible life, fear I needed to face once and for all.

There are many resources available to those involved in domestic violence. Don't let the worry about 'what will happen if I leave' get in the way when you should be thinking about what will happen if you don't.

Read my article "How to Break the Chains of Domestic Violence" for more of my personal story.

If you are suffering domestic violence because of fear and selfishness you're not alone call for help 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit www.ndvh.org.

A superior Court judge analyzes the evidence and determines if the restraining order of protection becomes final or permanent. If determined to be final or permanent in the state of New Jersey the final restraining order will last until further court order is requested by the victim to have it adjusted or dropped.

To file a domestic violence restraining order of protection, go to a local municipality or police station and tell them you require a restraining order. If the superior court is closed a municipal court judge will issue a temporary Restraining order of protection 24 hours a day 365 days a year.

The Prevention of Domestic Violence Act (PDVA) was created to protect any person over the age of 18, spouse, former spouse, any present or former members of a household, any person of any age with whom the victim is pregnant or has a child in common with, any person whom has a dating relationship with the victim and any person whom is the immediate family of the victim who have been subject to domestic violence are protected by the Prevention of Domestic Violence Act (PDVA).

Support available under the New Jersey Prevention of Domestic Violence Act (PDVA) is as follows.

The restraining order of protection forbids the batterer to have any contact written or otherwise with you, friends, relatives, anyone at your home, workplace, school and all other locations.

The possession of your home you currently share, even if the batterer owns it or are solely on the lease can be given exclusively to you. The batterer will be forbidden from entering and living at the home and can also be ordered to pay rent, mortgage, utilities and household expenses.

The act provides temporary custody of the children to the non-violent parent. If the victim needs to leave home without a restraining order of protection, the children should not be left with the batterer.

A judge will decide visitation arrangements for the batterer if the children are not in danger. Curbside drop off and pick up can be arranged at a third party location that is neutral to both the victim and the batterer or the judge can order supervised visitation parenting time if the children's safety is undetermined.

If it is thought the children will not be safe visiting with the batterer, notify the judge and a domestic violence risk assessment can be ordered to analyze a potential risk of harm to the children.

Make sure the visitation order is safe and satisfactory to you and the children, if problems arise during scheduled visitation call the police or 911, for immediate help and inform them you have a domestic violence restraining order of protection.

Economic support is also available to you and your children. Bring any financial records such as paystubs, rent receipts, mortgage tickets, car payments, tax returns, to the final restraining order hearing to show the judge the income and expenses for you, the children and the batterer.

Asking the judge for emergency support from the batterer for food, shelter or other expenses is recommended if you have been financially dependent on the batterer and have no income of your own.

Money damages compensation can be issued to you by a judge ordering the batterer to pay any incurred expenses because of domestic violence such as property damage, medical expenses, moving expenses, lawyer's fees, unpaid hours lost at work and counseling expenses that are the direct result of domestic violence.

Counseling can be made mandatory for the batterer, a judge can order the batterer to participate in an intervention program or a substance abuse program that will have to notify the court of the batterers participation or lack there of in the program which if unsatisfied can revoke all visitation with the children until further court order.

Personal property such as checkbooks, automobile, health insurance identification and any other items you require that you do not have in your possession may be requested from you to the judge for an order to return it to your possession.

Feel free to ask the judge for any other assistance or relief you feel entitled to or necessary arrangements you require to prevent further domestic violence.

When a domestic violence restraining order of protection is obtained you should carry it with you at all times and if you relocate to a new address file a copy of your restraining order of protection with the local police and municipal court.

If you have children attending daycare, public/private school, sports, etc, supply a file copy to notify them of the situation as well.

If at any time you feel that you or your children or other family members are unsafe, threatened and in danger, call the police or 911 and have an officer dispatched to your immediate location.

Domestic violence is a crime and a domestic violence restraining order of protection will protect you and the children to keep you safe; the first step to freedom is courage.

Article Resources

New Jersey Coalition for Battered Women

Legal Services of New Jersey